Dear Diva,
There seems to be a communication gap between my husband and me. We have been married for 22 years now, and during the last 5 years, things seem to have been breaking down more and more between us. We don't have a conversation for more than 2 minutes with one another and never seem to spend any time together except in front of the TV. My eldest daughter asked us some time back why we don't want to get divorced as there is no communication between us anymore. How do I rectify this?
Without Words,
I believe when there is a serious communication issue in a marriage such as this, there has been a serious priority problem. Over time, it's easy to let yourself be sidetracked by all the little things that come up in life - taking the kids to dance recital and soccer practice, paying the bills, stress at work, volunteering in the community and being active in outside projects. But, when this happens, your relationship slowly gets pushed further and further toward the bottom of your "to do" list until you wake up and find yourselves living more like roommates than like a married couple.
Look at it this way, if you were about to lose your job because you where not placing enough importance on an area of your work, such as communicating with your clients, you would make every effort to correct the problem. You would start making daily phone calls, check and send e-mail more frequently, and find new ways to reconnect. Your relationship with your spouse should be no different. It is one of the most important aspects of your life! If you don't make the time to talk, play and just plain enjoy being together, you might as well not be married. You certainly aren't acting like you are.
My advice is simple. Do whatever it takes to get "it" back. Go away for the weekend. Go to some place where there are no TVs, phones (especially cellular phones), techno-gadgets or other distractions. If you are unable to arrange a weekend away, then plan a date night where you can spend quality time together. Even if you have to unplug the phone, send the kids to grandma's house, and spend a quiet evening each week getting to know each other again, you need to take the time to do this! Start making your relationship with your spouse the number one priority in your life. Make it a point to spend some time together every day to talk, catch up, and just be together. Make it a priority to do those sweet, romantic things you used to do for each other way back when.
The bottom line here is if you don't make this marriage a priority, you're not going to have a marriage. Instead of finding yourself without words you will find yourself without a spouse.
Kisses,
The Diva
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